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LAST WEEK, UK magazine Country Life published an absolutely bonkers guide to being a gentleman that set the internet alight. (A gentleman always avoids lilac socks, apparently.)
Today they have followed it up with a guide to being a lady that is equally mad and impossible to achieve.
Why stop there? Surely a lady should also be able to make a man stand on his hind legs with a wink and a dog make you a cup of tea with a knowing glance.
11. Never downs a drink in one, unless it’s a shot of tequila
It’s 2015. Nobody’s using “songs” to survive long car journeys anymore. That’s what phones and tablets are for.
Advice: unless you’re leading your fellow car passengers in a rendition of You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrissette, don’t inflict your “car songs” on anyone else.
Yes, just sit back and pretend you know what “wickets” are like a good girl. And don’t you dare ask any questions about “offside rules” unless you want to send your gentleman friend running.
27. Knows when to take control in the bedroom and the boardroom
This just sounds like a particularly sleazy line from some sort of 1980s film. (Probably called “Shoulder Pads”.)
30. Knows when to deadhead a rose
Hmm. We’re pretty sure that a lady thinks, “Shite, are those roses beginning to die?” and then leaves nature take its course, all while feeling sad that she’s not better at gardening.
32. Can handle a sports car, a sit-on mower and a ski lift*
* = Can just about handle reversing around a corner
36. Always has a hanky
JUST WHAT IS WRONG WITH GRABBING A FISTFUL OF TISSUE FROM THE WORK BATHROOM?
39. However lucky in life, she doesn’t boast on Facebook
Monday 23 December, 2024
Monday 23 December, 2024
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This guide to 'being a lady' is absolutely preposterous
LAST WEEK, UK magazine Country Life published an absolutely bonkers guide to being a gentleman that set the internet alight. (A gentleman always avoids lilac socks, apparently.)
Today they have followed it up with a guide to being a lady that is equally mad and impossible to achieve.
Let’s take a look at some of the most ridiculous ones, shall we?
7. Excels at making love, lasagne and long gin and tonics
*lying in bed after making love*
“Mary, that was some great love-making. You know what I’d love now? A big plate of gloopy lasagne and a gin and tonic.”
“Say no more.”
8. Can silence a man with a stare and make a dog lie down with a hand signal — and vice versa
Why stop there? Surely a lady should also be able to make a man stand on his hind legs with a wink and a dog make you a cup of tea with a knowing glance.
11. Never downs a drink in one, unless it’s a shot of tequila
But what if the taxi is outside and you have nearly a full glass of wine left? Are you not allowed to down it then? That’s a horrible waste of wine.
15. Can paunch a rabbit, pluck a pheasant and gut a fish, but allows men the privilege
“Sean, why did you and Aisling break off?”
“Well, we were out last week and… she didn’t let me paunch a rabbit.”
“OH MY GOD, CAN YOU SAY ‘DUMPED’!”
17 Knows songs for a long car journey
It’s 2015. Nobody’s using “songs” to survive long car journeys anymore. That’s what phones and tablets are for.
Advice: unless you’re leading your fellow car passengers in a rendition of You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrissette, don’t inflict your “car songs” on anyone else.
19. Doesn’t over-pluck her eyebrows
Fair enough. No issues with this one.
26. Might not understand the rules of rugby and cricket, but enjoys the game anyway
Yes, just sit back and pretend you know what “wickets” are like a good girl. And don’t you dare ask any questions about “offside rules” unless you want to send your gentleman friend running.
27. Knows when to take control in the bedroom and the boardroom
This just sounds like a particularly sleazy line from some sort of 1980s film. (Probably called “Shoulder Pads”.)
30. Knows when to deadhead a rose
Hmm. We’re pretty sure that a lady thinks, “Shite, are those roses beginning to die?” and then leaves nature take its course, all while feeling sad that she’s not better at gardening.
32. Can handle a sports car, a sit-on mower and a ski lift*
* = Can just about handle reversing around a corner
36. Always has a hanky
JUST WHAT IS WRONG WITH GRABBING A FISTFUL OF TISSUE FROM THE WORK BATHROOM?
39. However lucky in life, she doesn’t boast on Facebook
Can’t argue with that.
Click here to read the full list.
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